I've always depended on the kindness of strangers

 Tennessee Williams famous line from  Streetcar Named Desire is in my thinking somewhat of an oxymoron.

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As previously discussed in a post standing-room-only I like words...  "kind" is one of them.   from the German word "kind" which means child... it's where we get the word kindergarten

Think about our use of the word "kind" it means two things 1:  generosity, gentle concern and care and 2: of a similar type.

Strangers can't give "kind"ness because it  requires consideration in kind.  To extend kindness is, in one way of thinking, to extend sameness.  I would only treat someone with generosity concern and care if they were of my kind.

Blanche Debris. Always depended on the strangeness of Kinder's

The ultimate "kind"ness of course would be to treat someone as I would treat myself... to love my neighbor as myself.

The problem with that is I don't love myself very much and in fact if I treated other people the way I've treated myself over the last few years... I would go to jail.

I am not very kind to myself at all.

Just the diet I force on myself could be considered a hate crime if I forced someone else to eat it.

If I were responsible for the diet of a population that couldn't complain.   People who would just have to eat whatever I gave them; children let's say or mentally challenged adults...  if word got out what I shoved into the pieholes of these helpless people... I would be the subject of a Tribunal at The Hague.

Like the time I ordered a large pizza from every place that would deliver to my address and over the next week that was all I ate.  Breakfast lunch and dinner pepperoni pizza.

This gastronomic atrocity of course included    repurposing the curved bits of crust dried up and left over in the boxes.   I steamed them wrapped in damp paper towels in the microwave and  transformed them into what I refer to as pizza ribs.  These reconstituted recycled bits of dough were then greedily consumed, smeared with cream cheese or dipped in reheated week old garlic dipping sauce...or both.  That was the week of the pizza orgy.

I think that's what my heart actually looks like...

You try explaining that it was delicious AND not even remotely the worst thing you've ever eaten.   While under oath before the oversight committee for the treatment of handicapped adults.

I have no specific unaided recollection...

But again I digress back to kindness...

I see myself as an outcast a lot of the time. Unworthy of generosity, care and concern.  I treat myself badly and distrust anyone who doesn't.

I discount the actions of those who extend kindness to me as being foolish.  Which of course allows me to take advantage of them without feeling any remorse.

I have lately been the recipient of some overt kindness and it is difficult to bear.   It's hard to feel worthy.   I've also been showing myself some kindness....eating better, exercising, meditating, reading for spiritual growth.

It's all uncomfortable.  I don't feel like the kind of person who deserves this kindness.

I'm much more comfortable when people hate me then when people love me.   When they see me as something to be shunned rather than someone to be embraced.   I prefer they see me as not of the same kind so no kindness is required.

That's me on the left

Another hard thing to swallow in all this is the concept that I'm not a bad person becoming good but a sick person becoming well.

If that's really the case then it can happen to anyone.   And while it is my responsibility to get well it is not my fault I got sick.

Maybe I can be of the same "kind" as people I admire.  The good people. Addiction and depression are not character judgments but rather a medical diagnosis.

The doctor didn't walk into the room pick up my chart and say "Mr. Guidry, we ran all the tests and it turns out you're a piece of shit"

The tests say I'm depressed that I self-medicate and the self medication left me addicted, and the addiction feeds into the depression and back and forth the round and round until here we are.

When you're sick you have a responsibility to fight to get well to rehabilitate.
Just like someone who's had a major brain injury has to fight to learn how to talk and how to walk again.

So I'm a sick person getting well not a bad person getting good.

 I deserve kindness because I'm a human being.  I'm not worthless. I'm actually a good guy.  I care about other people.  I deserve better than I've given myself.

So as I try my best to demonstrate self love and to minimize self-loathing self-doubt and self-abuse I will take solace in the fact that today I did nothing to put more shame on the pile.

I'll do something to make myself feel a little a little bit more worthy.  I will seeking out others for whom to do kindnesses.  Today I will be kind to myself.

I'm still going to have another pizza orgy someday cuz that was awesome.

Pizza Ribs, great with cream cheese