The only thing my father ever taught me on purpose was that anyone who believes in God... is an idiot.
When I was about 12 I was hanging out at the Mall food court near my house and a man who ran a kiosk there befriended me and invited me to his church, I checked with mom, who said yes, because it was the seventies and you just let your 12 year old son go off alone with a grown man you didn't know, in a car someplace you've never been and for which you didn't have a phone number. This was sumner 1976. The same summer Dazed and Confused was set, it was totally like this...
but as usual I digress...
The church was fun it had cool stuff for kids to do
But the really cool stuff the really super duper cool stuff, movie nights, field trips, amusement parks... that stuff was for church members only ... I wanted to do the cool stuff so I needed to join, to join I needed to be baptized and for that I needed two things: To be "saved" (whatever that meant) and parental consent.
If I had just gone to my parents and said "I want to do cool stuff with this church and to do that you have to join and get baptized. Is it okay if I play along so I can go to Kings Dominion for free?" If I had just told the truth about my wanting to scam these church people I would have been in like Flynn.
How could I admit I wanted to scam this church? That would be wrong... right? So I went to my parents and I told them the lie. The lie I thought I was supposed to believe, namely that I needed to be saved and baptized so I wouldn't burn in hell... and thats when my father lost his shit.
It was fun to watch my father lose his shit, especially when it wasn't about me. This loss of shit was epic. If I'd known this God thing was going to make him blow his top I'd have brought it up years before.
But a strange and miraculous thing happened. He paid attention for the first time in a non negative way. It was like the Sun was shining for the first time. I listened to every word he said like it was from a burning bush.
He explained to me there was no such thing as God it was a construct used to control weak-minded people. A fantasy used on the foolish to explain things they couldn't understand. That it was silliness, a mass delusion in which no intelligent, thinking person he'd ever met had ever believed.
He explained to me the hypocracy of politicians and world leaders and captains of industry who had to pretend to believe so the people that work and vote for them wouldn't revolt. Smart people don't believe in religion and creation. God is fiction. The Bible is no more real than The Hobbit.
Here endeth the lesson.
Not to be immodest but I am considered by many of my friends and many people I know to be among the smartest people they know... my father is the smartest person I know.
When I was 12, he was a big deal, my dad. He was a big time newspaper reporter, a White House correspondent for the Washington Star. He wrote articles that appeared on the front page of a major newspaper at least once a week. He had an office in the White House and flew on Air Force One. He walked with and questioned presidents and kings. My father has STANDING.
If my father said a thing was true, that thing was true.
And my father said God was dead and so He was.
And thus, an Evangelical atheist was born.
For the next 30 plus years I was dismissive and abusive to anyone who had the audacity to admit to me they believed in God well... specifically to admit to the belief in silly religious doctrine and creation but in a pinch just the belief in God would do
The church was fun it had cool stuff for kids to do
But the really cool stuff the really super duper cool stuff, movie nights, field trips, amusement parks... that stuff was for church members only ... I wanted to do the cool stuff so I needed to join, to join I needed to be baptized and for that I needed two things: To be "saved" (whatever that meant) and parental consent.
If I had just gone to my parents and said "I want to do cool stuff with this church and to do that you have to join and get baptized. Is it okay if I play along so I can go to Kings Dominion for free?" If I had just told the truth about my wanting to scam these church people I would have been in like Flynn.
How could I admit I wanted to scam this church? That would be wrong... right? So I went to my parents and I told them the lie. The lie I thought I was supposed to believe, namely that I needed to be saved and baptized so I wouldn't burn in hell... and thats when my father lost his shit.
It was fun to watch my father lose his shit, especially when it wasn't about me. This loss of shit was epic. If I'd known this God thing was going to make him blow his top I'd have brought it up years before.
But a strange and miraculous thing happened. He paid attention for the first time in a non negative way. It was like the Sun was shining for the first time. I listened to every word he said like it was from a burning bush.
He explained to me there was no such thing as God it was a construct used to control weak-minded people. A fantasy used on the foolish to explain things they couldn't understand. That it was silliness, a mass delusion in which no intelligent, thinking person he'd ever met had ever believed.
He explained to me the hypocracy of politicians and world leaders and captains of industry who had to pretend to believe so the people that work and vote for them wouldn't revolt. Smart people don't believe in religion and creation. God is fiction. The Bible is no more real than The Hobbit.
Here endeth the lesson.
Not to be immodest but I am considered by many of my friends and many people I know to be among the smartest people they know... my father is the smartest person I know.
When I was 12, he was a big deal, my dad. He was a big time newspaper reporter, a White House correspondent for the Washington Star. He wrote articles that appeared on the front page of a major newspaper at least once a week. He had an office in the White House and flew on Air Force One. He walked with and questioned presidents and kings. My father has STANDING.
If my father said a thing was true, that thing was true.
And my father said God was dead and so He was.
And thus, an Evangelical atheist was born.
For the next 30 plus years I was dismissive and abusive to anyone who had the audacity to admit to me they believed in God well... specifically to admit to the belief in silly religious doctrine and creation but in a pinch just the belief in God would do
As an angry teenager I carried forth with the gospel of Vernon,Jr. (I'm the 3rd). I and my fellow atheist and best friend John, could often be found reducing clueless christians, hapless Jehovah's Witnesses and throughly misguided Mormons to tears. Deftly wielding the blunt instruments of logic and reason in our gladiator pit of debate, the corner booth at Denny's in Gaithersburg MD.
As a young entrepreneur running my first business I sought advice from an employment attorney wondering if could I deny employment solely on the grounds that the aplicant admitted to a belief in God. As that would disqualify them as being delusional and an idiot. The lawyer thought not, I wondered secretly if he believed in God.
Evangelical Christianity itself was a big help in my anti-belief crusade... suffering scandal after scandal, Billy Graham demanding money or he's going to be to be killed by God. Pat Robertson actually requested live on TV that God assassinate Hugo Chavez. Gay basher Ted Haggard in the Denny's bathroom with a male prostitute. Of course Jimmy Swaggart, Jim Bakker.
Then the marketers got ahold of Christianity and created what I have coined "no money down salvation" just say you accept Jesus and you're in Forever.
This new breed of Christian doesn't need to change anything about their life.
They don't need to be good people. It costs them nothing to join. All the righteous indignation and moral authority to judge others without the pesky integrity, and requirements of character.
I think being a Christian should take effort. But requiring character ain't how you fill the Compaq Center in Houston Texas... 8 times a week.
I'm sorry it's no longer The Compaq Center that's Lakewood Church where Joel Osteen preaches eight shows a week.
As a young entrepreneur running my first business I sought advice from an employment attorney wondering if could I deny employment solely on the grounds that the aplicant admitted to a belief in God. As that would disqualify them as being delusional and an idiot. The lawyer thought not, I wondered secretly if he believed in God.
Evangelical Christianity itself was a big help in my anti-belief crusade... suffering scandal after scandal, Billy Graham demanding money or he's going to be to be killed by God. Pat Robertson actually requested live on TV that God assassinate Hugo Chavez. Gay basher Ted Haggard in the Denny's bathroom with a male prostitute. Of course Jimmy Swaggart, Jim Bakker.
Then the marketers got ahold of Christianity and created what I have coined "no money down salvation" just say you accept Jesus and you're in Forever.
This new breed of Christian doesn't need to change anything about their life.
They don't need to be good people. It costs them nothing to join. All the righteous indignation and moral authority to judge others without the pesky integrity, and requirements of character.
I think being a Christian should take effort. But requiring character ain't how you fill the Compaq Center in Houston Texas... 8 times a week.
I'm sorry it's no longer The Compaq Center that's Lakewood Church where Joel Osteen preaches eight shows a week.
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| This is my bible I don't have to read it, Joel tell me what it says I am and what it says I have. I will be happy and I will give generously |
It's all taken care of Jesus died for your sins. Once saved, always saved.
Well that's a good thing because I'm already saved I got saved 41 years ago on Kindly Court in Gaithersburg summer of 1976
My "saving" happened in a 1970 ford pinto. The guy that ran the food court kiosk and had asked me to church was upset that I couldn't join but understood I had to obey my parents... but he wanted me to be saved. So he asked me if I would like to live forever and not burn in hell? I said yes. Would I accept the Lord Jesus Christ as my personal Savior? I said yes and that was pretty much it. I was saved forever. I wouldn't go to hell..... it's a get out of hell free pass, good forever...
so I got that going for me which is nice.
Well that's a good thing because I'm already saved I got saved 41 years ago on Kindly Court in Gaithersburg summer of 1976
My "saving" happened in a 1970 ford pinto. The guy that ran the food court kiosk and had asked me to church was upset that I couldn't join but understood I had to obey my parents... but he wanted me to be saved. So he asked me if I would like to live forever and not burn in hell? I said yes. Would I accept the Lord Jesus Christ as my personal Savior? I said yes and that was pretty much it. I was saved forever. I wouldn't go to hell..... it's a get out of hell free pass, good forever...
so I got that going for me which is nice.
But back to no money down salvation.
Joel Osteen sells out the Compaq Center Eight shows a week every week.
Joel Osteen was not ordained his degree is in television production his father was a great preacher and Joel inherited his father's Church.
Joel Osteen is beloved by millions and has a hundred-million-dollar a year business that does not pay taxes. Maybe my father was wrong after all... cuz that Joel Osteen... is one smart mother fucker.
Cui Bono...who benefits?
Cui Bono...who benefits?
Religion was invented by man...to control others. To give power and authority to the smart and the strong over the weak and the stupid. Or the smart and weak over the strong and stupid .. check out Patton Oswalt's great bit "sky cake"
I am in a quandry, I'm an atheist stuck in a system that demands I choose a higher power. I'm in rehab for addiction and I'm required to follow 12-step recovery protocol. I'm supposed to pray to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand him.
My quandary is I basically understand God to not exist.
... so you see the problem.... but maybe it's not a problem...maybe it's an opportunity.
I've read the Bible studied it quite a bit actually, under the "know your enemy" doctrine. And I must admit I'm impressed, hell of a book. Have you read the second half of the book about the guy the religion is named after? Jesus Christ?
If one just did what he says to do...it would be a really cool world.
Honestly I dig Jesus. He's my kind of dirty hippie, commie rabel rouser, chilling out with the hookers and the tax collectors. Jesus was cool like the other side of the pillow.
I know more about the Bible than the average Christian. According to a test I took on Facebook I'm a damn biblical scholar.
I spent most of my adult life in marketing and advertising so I know how to sell ideas.
And I am a stand up comedian so I can work a crowd....
But I'm not much of a joiner or a follower I'm more of a leader. And if I'm going to follow the Prince of Peace I'm going to do it from the front of the line.
So.....brace yourself sports fans, .....
Vernon A. Guidry, III is now an ordained minister.
20 minutes and $40 online with American Marriage Ministries and I can legally perform marriages, funerals and baptisms in all 50 states. I can conduct services and collect offerings.
The right reverend pastor brother Skippy's full schedule of services will be announced shortly.
Baptisms in the Mississippi anointings with oil in Jackson Square the chorus of buskers crying out to the heavens.... And remember brothers and sisters dig deep the lord loves a cheerful Giver. Amen. Sky cake for everyone Hallelujah. Who knows maybe in ten years the Superdome will be for sale.... or at least the Smoothie King Arena.
I am in a quandry, I'm an atheist stuck in a system that demands I choose a higher power. I'm in rehab for addiction and I'm required to follow 12-step recovery protocol. I'm supposed to pray to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand him.
My quandary is I basically understand God to not exist.
... so you see the problem.... but maybe it's not a problem...maybe it's an opportunity.
I've read the Bible studied it quite a bit actually, under the "know your enemy" doctrine. And I must admit I'm impressed, hell of a book. Have you read the second half of the book about the guy the religion is named after? Jesus Christ?
If one just did what he says to do...it would be a really cool world.
Honestly I dig Jesus. He's my kind of dirty hippie, commie rabel rouser, chilling out with the hookers and the tax collectors. Jesus was cool like the other side of the pillow.
 |
| Jesus is just alright with me! |
I know more about the Bible than the average Christian. According to a test I took on Facebook I'm a damn biblical scholar.
I spent most of my adult life in marketing and advertising so I know how to sell ideas.
And I am a stand up comedian so I can work a crowd....
But I'm not much of a joiner or a follower I'm more of a leader. And if I'm going to follow the Prince of Peace I'm going to do it from the front of the line.
So.....brace yourself sports fans, .....
Vernon A. Guidry, III is now an ordained minister.
20 minutes and $40 online with American Marriage Ministries and I can legally perform marriages, funerals and baptisms in all 50 states. I can conduct services and collect offerings.
 |
| yes it's real....scary huh? |
The right reverend pastor brother Skippy's full schedule of services will be announced shortly.
Baptisms in the Mississippi anointings with oil in Jackson Square the chorus of buskers crying out to the heavens.... And remember brothers and sisters dig deep the lord loves a cheerful Giver. Amen. Sky cake for everyone Hallelujah. Who knows maybe in ten years the Superdome will be for sale.... or at least the Smoothie King Arena.
Wonderful Old Bean -
ReplyDeleteDeacon Florman!.... can't wait to wash you clean in the muddy miss eye sip!
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