I just left a 12 step recovery meeting. It was mandatory as I'm in a treatment facility for veterans in New Orleans Louisiana. I'm struggling. In-house treatment meetings are notoriously painful. Without fresh blood, fresh stories, fresh insight, fresh air even... it can seem like a waste of time. However you do stay sober for 60 minutes so that's something.
The same people sharing the same bullshit over and over again. It's like a worn-out laugh-track of a bad 70's sitcom; Recovery karaoke... 12 step Greatest Hits...there is rarely an authentic moment. Sometimes it feels like my own personal "No exit" directed by John Waters.
When this happens I try to focus on the topic and or the readings out of the various text associated with AA or NA.
Tonight the topic seemed to be "I know if I go out there and use again I will die".
My problem is kind of the opposite if I thought I would die if I used again.....that would be a reason to go use again.
My problem is I won't die. I'm a Cockroach of the Apocalypse nothing seems to be able to kill me. My greatest fear is I'll use and I will live.
The best-case scenario is death... I will probably have a stroke and drag my foot around for the rest of my life drooling out of the corner of my mouth unable to speak.
If i use and live and I can hurt everybody I love again and again. Cut even deeper. I'll makes things even worse for the few left that care about me.
But it gets worse.
I could easily end up killing someone and going to jail for the rest of my life. I could bring violence home to the people I love.
Hurting people in my family even worse than I've hurt them already putting more guilt shame on the pile.
There are already such sins at my back it would kill me to turn around.
I can hardly bear the weight of the guilt and shame I have mined so far. It is crushing me. The idea of digging more is terrifying.
So for me using is not an option not because I will die if I use because if I use I will live and that's the scariest thing of all. That and clowns...
